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Rifleman Dave's Journal. Once read, it cannot be Un-Read!
5 most recent entries

Date:2006-12-02 14:11
Subject:Why do birds flap about like that?
Security:Public
Mood: apathetic

On a continuing theme of adverts I see the new Carling lager beery commercial features lots of birds flying about over some fields with the final tag line being 'Belong'. I'm not sure what Carling are trying to say with this.. Hey have some beer and f*ck off to Africa for half the year!

Perhaps not. Seriously though, that sight of flocks of wheeling birds zooming all over the place is fantastic but why do they do that? Something to do with migration possibly? Or are they all sh*tfaced on cheapy booze and doing the swallow version of the conga?

Oh and on a lighter note our Animal Clock in the Interpretation Department has started working again. Every hour, on the hour, the er hour chimes with different noises from our furry, swimming, flying, gazzele mauling chums in the Big ol' 'A' Kingdom. Two o'clock was a white handed gibbon. But it was supposed to be Timber wolf. Hmmmm...

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Date:2006-11-30 12:44
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: cheerful

Blimey! Quite suprised last night to see Spam's new advert on telly. It depicts several scenes of domestic family bliss involving spam; matriarch of family group serving Spam fritters in fan shape to children, old couple lovingly drooling over Spam flaps, half time Spam served at a footy match etc. But all of this was to music, the chorus of which was "Spam Up!" repeated over and over again.

This is the best slogan in the world!
And can be used in virtually every lifestyle situation.

"Say, have you prepared for the meeting later?"
"SPAM UP!"

"Hello, darling. What d'you think of my sexy new dress?"
"SPAM UP!"

"Oh, thnak you for saving my baby from my burning shell of a house, Spiderman."
"You're welcome ma'am. It's all in a days work... till next time... SPAM UP!"

Fantastic.

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Date:2006-11-29 16:28
Subject:Alive Meat?
Security:Public
Mood: surprised

The following post was in answer to internetsdairy's post about his cardboard butler, who I hope is working out okay..

Having popped to the shops to buy bread magazines and Jaffa Cakes I (hang on there should have been a comma there between Bread and Magazines. My corner shop are not so supremely ecologiclally friendly that they print some kind of bizarre bagel periodical)was startled to find one lonely tin of meatloaf bunged away in a corner. But this was no ordinary tin of reconstitued pig sleeves. Oh no. Twas caled 'Celebrity Meat Loaf!'
I took it home and placed it in the window, in the desperate hope that soon the pork curious paparazzi would be outside my house demanding exclusive pictures of me and Celeb Meaty for 'Heat', 'OK' and 'Terrible Superficial Blandness' magazines.
Sadly it was not to be. Celebrity Meatloaf has spent the entire time sulking moodlily on the top of my fridge, saying nothing, glaring with an undefeatable stare and clanking like a petulant robot everytime someone needs some cheese.
Damn.

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Date:2006-11-29 13:08
Subject:Dairy Excess
Security:Public
Mood: giggly

My girlfriend and I are currently looking for houses. Which didn't take us long, as next door have one, so do the other side, there's bloody loads in our street and I'm reliably informed (by my eyes) that there are also a lot in town as well.
Having completed that exciting, but short lived, game Val and myself decided we should next look for a specific type of house we'd like to live in and buy. Yes, I know what you're thinking, are we ready to progress to such a complex level of games? Only time will tell..

Anyway, we looked at a few places up in Hebden Bridge and while we were there a saw a sign in a shop window that made me laugh so much Val had to drag me away from the window, as I was clearly and accidentally openly mocking the business.

The shop was a cheese shop, the sign read;

"THURSDAY IS CHEESE DAY! 20% OFF ALL CHEESE ON THURSDAY!"

Er.. Just on Thursday? 20% off ALL Cheese only on that particular day? But why? If it was, say, a Department store and they had a surplus of a particular kind of product like cutlery or sofa cushions, they could reduce it to shift it. Right? But they wouldn't put the whole shop contents on offer. This is 20% off all the Cheese. ALL the CHEESE that there is. In a cheese shop. But it's a cheese shop, they can't have a surplus of cheese. They need cheese to trade. A symbiotic man-cheese relationship. Plus, if there is a cheese surplus why not have a cheese sale all the time? Why is only Thursday Cheese day? :)

Anyone out there Know?

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Date:2006-11-23 15:11
Subject:First Post
Security:Public
Mood: cheerful

Woo-hooh! Yeah! All right! My first post on Live Journal!! Oh yeah!! I'm part of the er, the whole big internet gang thing now! In your face the concept of actually talking to people in the face!

I have no idea what I'm doing...

Seriously, this is all very new and a bit frightening. Like a baby with fangs and bat wings. :)
OK, so, if you've read my bio, you'll know I work in a museum. I perform shows about history, particularly but not exclusively, military history.I've just been doing a Victorian Peeler piece where I tell the story of an old 1840's murder mystery and utilise the best Victorian acting skills I have (Massive Sideburns, quizzical eyebrows with left hand behind back, raging scurvy etc).

Now, after the performances I often get asked questions by members of the public and these are usually along the lines of "Is that facial hair real?" and "What's wrong with your teeth?". However this time the question was;
"Excuse me. Can you tell me... When was History?"
Er, what? When was history? When *was* history? I was very tempted to say "Well, if we just wait (large pause) there it is... and, if we're very quiet...(larger pause)...there it is again!"

All jokin aside, I should have ushered this person to hospital, as clearly they have no sense of actual TIME passing at all.
Thankfully the answer to this question has been provided by the blurb on a bottle of mead I have. It says that Mead is the oldest drink ever in the world, and that 'The Pages of Time are replete with references to it.'
Yeah! You wanna know when History was? Consult The Pages of Time!
You can probably get it in the library...
I'm sure it's not TOO big....

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